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Dirty Hindi Jokes

Source:- Google.com.pk

Bechaare Papa

Pappu: �Mom, Aap blouse mein paise kyun rakhti ho?�

Mom: �Taaki tere papa ko pata na chale�

Pappu: �Mom aap bhi na, bechare papa roz kaamwali ke blouse mein dhoondte rehte hain�

Jija Saali

सलमान की बीवी नगमा पेट से थी, तो नगमा की देखभाल के लिए वो अपनी साली सलमा को लेकर ससुराल से अपने गांव लौट रहा था।

उसके हाथों में एक बाल्टी, एक छड़ी, बगल में एक मुर्गी और बकरी की रस्सी थी।

सुहावनी चाँदनी रात थी और साली सलमा खूबसूरत और जवान थी।

अचानक सलमा बोली- जीजाजी, मुझे आपके साथ चलने में डर लग रहा है। कहीं आप कुछ बदमाशी ना करने लगें?

जीजा सलमान- अरे, मैं कैसे कोई बदमाशी कर सकता हूँ। मेरे तो दोनों हाथ घिरे हुए हैं, चाह कर भी मैं कुछ नहीं कर सकता।

साली सलमा- कैसे नहीं कर सकते? अभी अगर आप छड़ी ज़मीन में गाड़कर बकरी उसके साथ बांध दें और मुर्गी को बाल्टी के नीचे रख दें तो फिर मेरे साथ जो चाहें कर सकते हो आप।

Main Kaise Paida HUa

"पापा मैं कैसे पैदा हुआ"?

पापा - बेटा मैं और तेरी मम्मी पहली बार Yahoo Chat Room में मिले थे। फिर हमने एक Cyber Cafe में पहली मुलाकात थी। तुम्हारी मम्मी के Software देखकर मेरे Hardware को प्यार हो गया। फिर हम एक कमरे में घुस गए क्योंकि हमारा CPU गर्म हो गया था। तुम्हारी मम्मी मेरे Pen Drive से Download करवाने को राज़ी हो गई। लेकिन जैसे ही मैं Upload करने लगा, मुझे अहसास हुआ कि हम लोगों ने न तो Anti-Virus का इस्तेमाल किया है और न ही Firewall का। अब तो इतनी देर हो चुकी थी कि Delete या Escape Button का इस्तेमाल करना भी मुमकिन नहीं था।

छः हफ़्तों बाद तुम्हारी मम्मी ने मुझे Internet पर Chat करके बताया कि उसका Operating System किसी Self-Extracting File के चलते Unauthorized Program Activity दिखा रहा था,

जिससे उसका System Slow हो गया था। वह Self-Extracting File तुम्हारी मम्मी के BIOS में Load थी। नौ महीने बाद एक Pop-Up दिखाई दिया, जिसमें लिखा था, You've Got Mail (Male)!

Three Wishes

Ek Pari ne dekha ki ek Sher Khargosh ka peechha kar raha hai...

Pari ne dono ko rok kar kaha ke agar tum aisa na karo to main tum dono ki 3-3 khwahishein poori karungi

Sher: Mere alawa is jungle ke tamaam Sheron ko Sherniyan bana do.

Khargosh: Mujhe ek helmet de do.

Sher: Bagal wale jungle ke tamaam Sheron ko bhi Sherniyan bana do..

Khargosh: Mujhe ek bike de do.

Sher: Saari duniya ke Sheron ko Sherniyan bana do.

Khargosh ne bike start ki us par baith kar helmet pehna aur bola:

"Iss sher ko Gay bana do"

ROBOT

Ek aadmi apne bete ke liye ek ROBOT laya, jo jooth bolne par THAPAD marta tha.

Beta: Papa aaj mai school nahi jaunga mere pet me dard hai (Sattaak�)

PAPA- Dekha tune jooth bola isliye tujhe saza mili, mai jab tere jitna tha to kabhi jooth nahi bolta tha. (Sattaak�)

Wife: (Haste huye boli) Aap hi ka beta hai. (Sattaak�)

Tansen Ki Chaa

To bhaiyon yeh baat hai Akbar ke zamane ki.

Usne 9 chutiye paal rakhe the. Popularly known as his 9 ratans!!!

Birbal aur Tansen me bada competition raha karta tha.

Ek din gusse me aake Tansen kehta hai ki "Ab faisla ho hi jaye ki kaun zyada bada akalmand hai? Main shart lagata hoon ki main Jodha Bai ke mammey choos sakta hoon"

Birbal ki has has ke gaand me dard ho gaya. Kehta hai ki "Agar tune aisa kar diya to agle din bhari sabha mein main nangaa aaunga"

Bas fir hona kya tha lag gayi shart.

Tansen gaya bazaar ek sapere ke paas. Kehta hai ki "Bhai, mujhe ek saanp chahiye, untrained aur bina zehar ke hona chahiye".

Saanp khareed ke Tansen usko ghar pe training dena shuru karta hai. Ek aadmi ka putla banake saanp ko kehta hai "Beta Sappu uske tang pe kaat". To sappu putle ke taang pe jake das leta hai. Aise hi training karte karte sappu Tansen ka ishara dekh kar taang, haath, gala, ityadi ko dasna seekh jaata hai. Jahan bhi Tansen ishara karta, Sappu waha das leta. Training karke sappu ab taiyar ho gaya Big Day ke liye.

Ab baat aisi thi ki Akbar aur Jodha bai har subah apne bageeche me sair ke liye nikalte the. Agle din subah Tansen bhi apne sappu ke saath bageeche me ja pahuncha aur jhadiyon me chhip gaya.

Jahaan panah aur begum ko aata dekh tansen ne sappu ko phat se nikalke zameen pe chhod diya aur ishara Jodha bai ke mammon ki taraf karke bola. "Beta Sappu dikha apna kamaal ja das le rani ke Mammon ko." Sappu phat se gaya, begum ki taang par chadh ke, mansal Jangho se gujerke chut ko par kar ke seedha ja pahunchta hai mammon ke beech vali khai me vaha se plan ke mutabik seedha left turn le ke chadh jata hai top pe aur ek second mein saali ko das leta hai nipple pe!

Jodha chikhne lagi "Arey jahanpanah kuchh keriye"

Akbar to paagal ho gaya "Arre bachao koi bachao meri begum ko saanp ne das liya koi Bachao"

Tabhi Tansen nikla jhadiyon se, bhaag ke gaya aur bola "Jahan panah ek upaay hai mere paas rani sahebaan ko bachane ka. Mein agar zehar choos kar bahar nikal doon to aap gussa hokar meri gand to naahi katwa denge na.

Akbar bola "Jo bhi karna hai jaldi karo but meri begum ko bacha lo."

Phir kya tha Tansen ne phat se Jodha bai ko pakda, uske kapde fade aur mammey bahar nikal kar chhosne laga. Poore ke poore choos dale.

Birbal ne ye baat suni to uski gaand se maano Rocket guzar gaya. Man hi man sochne laga Bhenchod kal to lut gayee izzat, bhare darbaar me nang dhadang jaana padega. Usne khoob socha, baal khujlaye lekin no idea. Gaand jab khujayee to idea Lund ki tarah uchhal kar bahar aaya.

Agle din darbaar laga, Akbar ne sabke samne Tansen ki tareef ki aur kaha agar tansen me zehar choosne ki shakti nahi hoti to Jahan panah aaj randwe hote aur akele apne aap hilaa rahe hote.

Tansen on the other hand cud not wait for Birbal to make an appearance. Khushi ke maare pagal ho raha tha ye soch kar ki jab Birbal bhare darbaar me nanga hokar aayega to Akbar sharm se paani paani ho jayega, YESSS. Aur Wo birbal ke gaand pe itne hunter maarenge ki Birbal ki 7 pushte muh se hagegi.

Tabhi darbaar me hulchul machi, sabne dekha ki Birbal nanga hokar, apna lund haath me pakde, daudta hua aa raha hai. Bas phir hona kya tha Akbar gusse se laal ho gaya "Birbal ye kya gustakhi hai? Teri himmat kaise hui aise nange aane ki."

Birbal bola "Haye Jahan panah mai mar gaya mujhe saap ne kaat liya mere lund pe."

Akbar bola "Oh my god, Tansen ja choos Birbal ka lund"

Gandpatrai�..

A Bihari GANPAT-RAI (who really needs a job) is being interviewed by Britisher, Colonel Smith.

Col. Smith: Haan toh Gaand Fat rahai (Ganpat-Rai) !!

Bihari: Nahi sir, Zyada nahi!!

Col. Smith: Kya �zyada nahi' bolta hai, tumhara application mein likha Hua hai Gand fat rahai.

Bihari : Theekh hai mai baap, likha hai to fat raha hoga.

Col. Smith: Tum Daily marata hai (tum delhi me rahta hai)?

Bihari : Nahi sir, kabhi kabhi!!

Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, idhar aao, kya �kabhi kabhi' bolta hai? Tumhara application mein likha hua hai ki tum Daily marata hai.

Bihari : Theek hai mai bap, likha hai to marta honga.

The Bihari was employed on one condition that he will do whatever Col.Smith's family asks him to do.

Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai!!

Ganpatrai : Ji maalik.

Col. Smith: Aaj tum ko 3 kaam karnee kaa haai

Ganpatrai : Hukum Sarkaar

Col. Smith: Tum pehla hamaari beti ko chodenga (drop her off)�baad mein hamaari biwi ko chodenga�aur uske baad mein hum ko chodenga.

Ganpatrai : Maaf karna Sarkaar, tumhari biwi aur beti to theek hai, lekin main aap ko nahi choddh sakta.

Col.Smith: Gand fatrahai! Tum ko hum ko chodnaa padhega.

Ganpatrai : Nahi sarkaar aisa zulum naa kare.

Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, agar tum hum ko nahi chod sakta to hum tumko nokri se nikaal denga.��

Ganpatrai : Theek hai sarkaar �.jo hukum. After a few days There is no one except

Col.Smith'swife at home. She is alone in her bedroom.While wearing her bra she is unable to Tie the knot behind.So��

Wife : Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo?

Ganpatrai : Ji Maalkin.

Wife : Gand fatrahai, hammara peeche se gaand maaro (gaanth maro-tie the bra knot).

Ganpatrai : Yeh kya keh rahi hai Maalkin??

Wife : Gand fatrahai, jaldi se gaand maaro hum ko late hota hai.

Ganpatrai : Nahi Nahi Maalkin. Agar maine aisa kiya to hum ko sarkar kacha kha jayenge.

Wife : Gand fatrahai, agar tumne jaldi se hamari gaand nahi maari to hum tumko kacha kha jaayengi.

Ganpatrai : Theek hai maalkin. Jo hukum. Ganpatrai who has been frustrated by these Brits for a long time starts like a bull. Panic striken the wife tries to turn and shouts :

Wife : GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI !!! Ganpatrai :Memsaab�Gaand maarega to Gaand to phatega hiiiiiiiiiii

In Love With A Proctologist

A gay guy falls in love with a proctologist. He goes to the proctologist's office and says that he has an obstruction.

So the proctologist sticks his hand up the guy's ass but can't find anything. However, he notices that the man has an erection, so the proctologist cuts short the examination and orders the gay guy out of his office.

The next day, the gay guy calls the proctologist and claims he has another obstruction. The proctologist doesn't believe him but the guy claims he is in great pain, so the doctor relents. When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass again but this time he finds something. "Good God!" the doctor exclaims, "No wonder you're in pain. There are two dozen roses shoved up your ass."

The gay guy turns around excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the Card!"

Mission accomplished Mission Accomplished

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary.

That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night.

She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asked.

He responded, "As I remember, I said, "Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said, "Yes honey, thats exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."